Dear Voldemort, It's Me, Harry
by siriuslives394
Summary: Harry has one simple request for his arch nemesis: could he stop trying to kill him? Please?
1. Chapter One

A/N: Uh...

Summary: Harry has one, simple request for his arch nemesis: could he stop trying to kill him? Please?

**Chapter One**

Dear Voldemort,

It's me. Harry. I know I'm probably the, well, last person you'd expect to write to you. But life's full of surprises, eh?

I suppose you're wondering by now – why exactly is Potter writing to me? Perhaps, some devious scheme? No, I have a simple request. Not too much to ask, I think. Easily granted.

By any chance, would you stop trying to kill me?

Sincerely,

Harry James Potter

**Dear Potter,**

**Not a chance.**

**Sincerely,**

**The Dark Lord Voldemort**

Dear Voldemort,

I really do think this would be in your best interest, don't you? I mean – really – how many times must we repeat the same thing? We fight, I win by some fluke. Gets pretty monotonous, don't you agree?

So, I think by stopping, you'd do us both a favour.

Sincerely,

Harry James Potter

**Dear Potter,**

**I think I disagree. With you out of the way, any and all doubt about my power will be put to rest. I will be established the greatest wizard of all time.**

**Sincerely,**

**The Dark Lord Voldemort**

Dear Voldemort,

You're forgetting about Dumbledore – and the prophecy. In all likely hood, the two of us will either kill each other, or weaken the other to the point where they're killed anyway.

Does that sound pleasant to you?

I'd rather we just declared a stalemate, and stay away from each other. I heard Albania was pleasant this time of year? Why don't you set up your pureblood empire there, and we can leave each other in peace?

Sincerely,

Harry

**Dear Potter,**

**You know the prophecy? I was under the impression that was… lost, by Lucius Malfoy, the incompetent fool.**

**Boy! I'm willing to – dare I say it – **_**bargain**_** with you. Tell me the Prophecy, and I shall… consider what has been said.**

**Only consider, mind you.**

**Sincerely,**

**Voldemort**

Dear Voldemort,

The prophecy is complete rubbish – but if you really want to know:

The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches, born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies, and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will power the Dark Lord knows not, either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives, the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies.

Pretty self-fulfilling, huh? Do me a favour; don't tell Dumbledore I told you that – he'd have my ass. So now you know – what about this consideration, eh? Like I said, Albania is pretty nice this time of year.

Sincerely,

Harry

**Dear Potter,**

**How, exactly, would I inform Dumbledore of your – however misguided – attempt to stop me? We're not a pair of old crones that gossip together over tea.**

**However – I must agree with you about the prophecy. Self-fulfilling, indeed.**

**I have considered your proposition. I must decline. I'd much rather put a stop to you right away, instead of waiting for you to become an actual threat.**

**Honestly – why else would I have tried to kill a baby?**

**Sincerely,**

Voldemort

Dear Voldemort,

Because you're a pale, bald, child-murdering nutter?

Sincerely,

Harry

**Dear Potter,**

**Well… I'll give you the pale, bald, and child-murdering, but I'm not a nutter, you insolent brat.**

**Sincerely, **

**Voldemort**

A/N: Eh… I'm doubtful about this one. It's probably going to be a chapter fic. Humour. Crack-ish.


	2. Chapter Two

A/N: Er, Harry'll always be normal font. :P No one else will be. I'm trying my hand at throwing different characters in because, I figured, just Harry and Voldemort would get really dry, really quickly.

**Chapter Two**

_**Harry,**_

_**Some disturbing**__** rumours**__** have reached me, I must say. And, however far-fetched they may be, I felt I should seek some reassurance on the matter.**_

_**Humour**__** me with this, my boy. You're not, by any chance, corresponding with Voldemort, are you?**_

_**- Professor Dumbledore**_

Professor,

Haha… ha. Sir, what would make you think that? It does seem a bit unrealistic.

- Harry

_**Harry,**_

_**Professor Snape seems unusually certain about this. He seems to recollect a long, violent rant about the impudence of messy-haired, scarred brats.**_

_**Are you quite sure? Has there, perhaps, been any accidental correspondence? Were you trying to contact Miss Granger, and your owl misinterpreted the request? It happens to the best of us.**_

_**I digress, this tidbit seems rather well backed up, and I'd hate to doubt Severus.**_

_**- Professor Dumbledore**_

Professor,

No offense intended, but Snape's a bit of a nutter. Maybe all of that mental digging finally got to him? After all, he must abuse his powers almost daily, and stumble across the no-doubt disturbing images in teenager's minds.

That'd drive anyone nuts, most of all a bitter, greasy old man.

But, no offense intended, of course.

- Harry

_Potter,_

_I hope you burn._

_- Professor Severus Snape, Potions Master, Head of Slytherin, Hogwarts._

_**Harry,**_

_**Oh dear. It seems Severus was rather put out by your last letter. I hope you didn't receive anything too disparaging from him.**_

_**Remember, Harry – it's **_**Professor **_**Snape.**_

_**Ah, yes, it seems you've yet to answer my question definitively. Are you?**_

_**- Professor Dumbledore**_

Professor,

Am I what?

- Harry

**Dear Potter,**

**It was always my assumption that the Boy-Who-Lived (or whatever filthy moniker you go by now) would have better manners. Or were you stricken down? Made unable to answer my last letter?**

**No matter what pathetic excuse you'll no doubt muster, the fact remains that that was indescribably rude.**

**Sincerely, **

**Voldemort, the Vanquisher**

Dear Voldemort,

You're one to talk about someone being indescribably rude. Or was killing my parents polite?

And – 'the vanquisher'? Is that meant to intimidate me? If I really have to remind you, just look at our track record. Who's more of a vanquisher?

Sincerely,

Harry

**Potter,**

**The Vanquisher is a lovely title, thank you very much. In fact, it adds some much-needed alliteration to my name. If it were to be necessary, I could extend this to 'Voldemort, the Vicious, Vaunted Vanquisher', but I find my current name is suitably terrifying.**

**And, yes, killing your parents was polite. One of them had dirty, dirty blood, and obviously needed to be put down.**

**Such a shame. **

**Sincerely,**

**Voldemort, the Vicious, Vaunted Vanquisher**

_**Harry,**_

_**I must insist that you answer my letter, post-haste. Severus has returned with news of alliteration – we don't know what he's planning to do, but we fear it may revolve around 'Harry's Head Hanging'. **_

_**Yes, this is a legitimate worry. **_

_**- Professor Dumbledore**_

Professor,

You need not fear alliteration. It won't hurt me.

- Harry

A/N: This has been done forever, I was just too nervous to upload it. By the way -- the extra 'u's in things is because I'm Canadian.


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